Meet my friend Laura. I met Laura in fourth grade and by fifth grade we were inseparable. We did everything together and when we couldn’t be together we were probably talking on the phone. We even had BFF necklaces. Awesome. When my family moved at the end of my seventh grade year, the worst part was leaving Laura. Our parents were so kind and allowed us to see each other whenever possible even though we lived ten hours apart. Somehow I talked Laura into coming to Kansas for college. It was awesome living so close again. She got to know Joel and even helped him plan our engagement. She was also one of my bridesmaids. Laura survived two years in Kansas (she always says she hates Kansas–particularly the weather–but loves the people here) and then moved back to Colorado (I don’t blame her). It is a good thing she did, because when she moved back home she met her sweet husband. Despite the distance I will always consider Laura to be one of my best friends.
In Friendship for Grown-ups, Lisa talks about how not all relationships will be the same. Some relationships have history–that is my relationship with Laura. Our friendship has history. Laura and I get each other. I have known her for almost twenty years. We grew up together. We love each others families like our own. We don’t get to see each other often, but every time we are together it is like I just saw her yesterday. Our husbands love each other too which is a definite bonus! We have been through many joys and much heartache together and I can tell you from experience, that if I needed her, Laura would jump into her car and drive to Kansas to be by my side. Laura is the most relational person I have ever met. The way she instantly connects with people and makes them feel comfortable is amazing. She shows incredible empathy towards others–a shining light of Christ’s love to those around her. She is honest and funny. I know if you met her today you would instantly want to be her friend too. Here is what Laura had to say about friendship…
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When I was first approached by Jess to read FRIENDSHIP for GROWN-UPS I secretly wanted to say, “No thanks.” I’m not a reader. To be completely honest, I read on average about one book every 3 years. I start to read dozens but never seem to finish any of them. I guess that is what made this book different. I knew there was an end goal and that I would be reading along with friends and that I had to follow through. It sounded fun and I knew I would be able to glean something that I could apply to my friendships today. As I read the book, I realized it was an “easy read” and that made it all the more enjoyable.
My review of this book isn’t going to be glamorous but it will be honest and to the point. That’s how I roll. To put it simply, I learned 3 main things from this book.
1. Working in Hollywood can really mess you up.
2. I’m not sure I would have been a “true friend” to Lisa Whelchel when she needed one most.
3. The drama surrounding many of her friendships exhausted me.
While I am being a bit sarcastic, I do think that this book brought to light how truly blessed I have been in the area of friendship. I felt so sorry for Lisa as I read many of her stories about those that had let her down, the heart ache that she endured during her years in Hollywood, and her inability to truly connect with a best friend. I was encouraged that through her pain she was able to connect most importantly with the Lord and that through her trials she grew to be a better friend herself and recognized what qualities to look for in a true friend.
To be brutally honest, I could not relate to most of what Lisa went through on her journey to grown-up friendships. Her story looks completely different than mine…her struggles and victories in friendship much more intense. BUT, there were many little gold nuggets that I was encouraged and challenged by. Things I think we can all take away and use to improve our friendships…
I loved an e-mail that Lisa shared from one of her friends and was challenged by what it said…
“Oh, my friend, you are safe. That you can count on. No matter how long our friendship lasts, no matter how deep or shallow it ebbs and flows…I will be faithful to never disclose what you’ve entrusted me with, and I will remain loyal to God through the way I befriend you. Just relax, cry for the right reasons, and keep your trust in God higher than your trust in people, and all will be well!”
Wow. What great perspective. I pray that I can be a safe friend. A friend that is faithful to honor and respect all that is shared. A friend that is loyal ultimately to God and trusts HIM for the friendships in my life.
While I am blessed with many wonderful friends, some of my closest friends are a long ways away. Many miles separate us but those friendships feed my soul and encourage my heart. Lisa wisely wrote, “If you don’t intentionally nurture your friendships and invest time in them, they too easily dwindle away in the press of life.”
In this busy season of being a wife, raising children, and caring for a home (to name a few!) it’s easy to put friendships towards the bottom of the list…but when we do that we lose out on the amazing connection, encouragement, and comradery that we can have with one another.
My friendships, for the most part, have been easy…
and I have been incredibly blessed.
But for those that haven’t had the same experience and for those that need a gentle reminder (me!) this book will encourage you to be more merciful, faithful, and full of grace in all of the relationships that are important to you.
We can all grow and be better friends…and we can also thank the Lord a lot more often for those that have been friends to us…and have touched our lives so deeply.
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Thanks Laura! I love how she brought up being a safe friend. Am I loose-lipped, judgmental, petty, negative or condescending? Or do I look for the best in people, give them the benefit of the doubt, and don’t join in when others gossip or gang up on a person who is not present? Wow. That’s challenging. Are you a safe friend?
Would you like to win a copy of Friendship for Grown-ups? Don’t forget to leave a comment on Monday’s post to enter the giveaway.
Meet my friend Amanda (pictured on the right). I first met Amanda five years ago when she started teaching third grade at the elementary school I was teaching at. When I was pregnant with Cora she was pregnant with her son Mason. Cora and Mason were less than two weeks apart. Amanda and I hung out in the same circle of friends occasionally, but it wasn’t until after Cora went to be with Jesus that our friendship grew. I would describe Amanda as a “giver”. She will do anything for you. She always has such a willing heart and she never makes you feel like an inconvenience. After Cora went to be with Jesus, she was a friend who was constantly showing up with a meal, organizing fund raisers for my family, sending me texts to see how my day was, and she was never afraid to talk to me about Cora. Amanda always makes me feel so loved and important. To this day I am not sure why she even wanted to be around me because I was SO sad all the time! I love our friendship because it is one of the sweet blessings the Lord gave me after loosing Cora. She has been a friend who is willing to experience “real” life with me and I know you will love what she has to say about friendship…
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Don’t you remember when friendships were so easy ? You didn’t really even have to think about them. It was as simple of sharing the parts of a “Best Friends” necklace. It seemed that putting our part of that necklace around our neck is all it took to solidify a friendship. Secrets were easy to tell and easy to keep. Topics of discussion were on who’s house would we sleep over at, what games we will play, and who will do each other’s hair first.
But somewhere along the line we experience “real” life. And oh, how we wish friendships were still as easy as placing that necklace around our necks.
Lisa Whelchel’s book Friendship for Grown-ups – What I Missed and Learned along the Way is obviously a book on friendship – finding it, loosing it, learning from it, finding it again, trying to build it and maintain it. It’s a personal story, sometimes VERY personal. And at times that made me feel a bit uncomfortable and unable to connect. But overall, this book really gave me an opportunity to rethink how I approach my friendships. It made me re-evaluate how I am as a friend and how I can be a better friend. It was such an easy read – and for the most part I didn’t want to put it down. I think I would have enjoyed it more had it been more informational than biographical.
What I appreciated most about this book was Lisa’s insights on how important grace plays in our friendships. Lisa shares, quite poignantly, “Isn’t that what we all want? To be seen, in all our glory, for better or for worse, the good, the bad, and the ugly and still be embraced.” This is what God has done for us as His children. And I know that this is what I should be displaying in my human relationships as well. Lisa states that “grace is nothing more nor less than the face that love wears when it meets imperfection, weakness, failure and sin.”
So I’m reminded of how truly special those friendships can be in which grace is given and received. We don’t need to pretend to be perfect Christians (there is no such thing), we don’t have to keep all of our frailties and failures inside. Because when people think that we are perfect, without insecurities or faults, connection doesn’t happen. “Vulnerability creates connection faster than almost anything”. I have experienced that first-hand. Some of the strongest and fastest growing friendships for me have been the ones that even through my fears, I was able to become open about my true feelings, my own sins, my own weaknesses. And also have that reciprocated. Because we all know that when we hear that our friends struggle with the same things as we do – everything all of a sudden feels a little bit better – we are not alone. But it is so hard. And I feel like I’m only on the brinks of learning this. And as hard as this has been – to become vulnerable with a friend – I have seen that THESE are the friendships that are the most dear and strong for me. Having safe friendships that allow me to be honest and open without having to be afraid of my “badness” are about grace and love. How truly refreshing to have that friend to go to in which I can be strong and positive one minute and a whiny baby the next; sometimes sure of what I know and what I feel and other times having thoughts and emotions that are all over the place with no point to get to.
I am thankful for this lesson of grace. It is not about trying to fix each other (although I do believe that friends should point each other to God’s truth and desires at the right times). I am reminded that being vulnerable with friends (while being careful that I have chosen safe friends), will grow us closer and will allow us to travel this road, as messy or as clear as it can be sometimes…together.
Whatever part of the journey you are in with your friendships – there are some great lessons that can be taken from Lisa’s book. If nothing else, I don’t think there is any way you can finish the book without feeling truly blessed for the positive and strong friendships you have in your life.
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Thanks for the reminder Amanda! What an amazing gift God’s grace is. I am so undeserving of God’s grace and yet I often struggle to show grace even to my friends. Is grace given and received in your friendships? Do you feel like you can be vulnerable with your friends?
Would you like to win a copy of Friendship for Grown-ups? Don’t forget to leave a comment on Monday’s post to enter the giveaway.
Meet my friend Julie (pictured on the right). I met Julie in high school when my family moved my sophomore year. Julie was very quiet back then and I was the new girl, so we actually didn’t really talk. Our senior year we somehow found out we both wanted to go to the same college and we ended up being roommates. That was the beginning of a sweet friendship. Julie often tagged along with Joel and I on dates in college and Joel was always playing practical jokes on her. Two years later she was a bridesmaid in our wedding. She still reminds Joel that she will always be my favorite roommate. We went our separate ways for a while after I got married, but now are both stay-at-home moms and live just a few miles apart. Julie is an amazing listener and is so intentional with her relationships. I love that about her. I always know when she calls that she really wants to know how I am doing. She wants to know what is going on in my life and how she can be praying for me. Julie is willing to be vulnerable and share how God is working in her own life and I am always challenged after spending time with her. I know you will be challenged too when you hear Julie’s thoughts on friendship…
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We, as people, want and need to be known and cared for through friendship. After reading Lisa Whelchel’s book Friendship for Grown-ups, I feel fortunate that God has blessed me with wonderful, true friendships and feel inspired to keep these friendships healthy and not let them slip away during this busy time of life while mothering two small children.
Listed below are some points Whelchel made that encouraged me to be a better friend:
• Sometimes, especially when I talk to “old friends,” the conversation can come to a place that is not edifying to others. Whelchel suggests that a person prepare responses ahead of time to steer the conversation in a positive direction when needed. By not talking about others negatively, I will become a safe person and one in whom others can confide.
• Participate in honest relationships. Deal with conflicts as they arise in relationships so that a brick wall is not built between friends. Sometimes I have to have hard conversations with friends to ensure continued openness and honesty.
• Whelchel suggests that a person can only have 3 really close friends, a dozen close friends, and a larger circle of just friend friends (p. 88). I loved thinking about my really close friends and their strengths. Friend A is wise. Every time I talk to her I am encouraged. Friend B values face time. She makes me feel special by wanting to see me every week if possible. Friend C is a go-getter who makes me laugh. We have fun together and she says things like they are. I want to do what it takes to keep these girls close, but also continue to pursue my other circles of friends and make new friends too. This may mean I need to be the one to initiate coffee dates or phone conversations instead of waiting to be pursued (which is my natural tendency and preference).
• Be a present friend. When meeting with a friend, make eye contact, turn off my cell phone, and listen completely. I find this easier said than done with small children at foot. Sometimes I leave a conversation and cannot remember what was discussed. I hate that. Perhaps I need more girls’ nights or need to schedule phone calls while the kids are napping. Seriously, how can I be attentive/present to a phone conversation when my dear son is in the dining room peeling off wall paper and causing plaster pieces to fall all over the carpet?
The only major point in Whelchel’s book that I disagreed with was the issue of popping imagination balloons, or imaginary conversations in your head, by telling your friend about them to see if they are valid (p. 157). For example, if you call a friend and she is distracted, you might think, “I am annoying her. She doesn’t really want to talk to me. Who would?” According to Whelchel, you should say to the friend, “When I called earlier, I felt like I was annoying you and that you didn’t want to talk to me. Is there any validity to that?” I personally believe that those imaginary conversations need to be disregarded in friendship. Most often, when I am guilty of having imagination balloons, it is because of my own heart issues and insecurities. I think that love puts others in the best possible light, assumes the best, and forgives. This is backed up by Proverbs 17:9 which says, “He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.” All that to say, do bring up issues that are causing a brick wall between you and a friend; but, if it is something going on in your own head that is probably not true, overlook the offense and think about what is true.
Overall, I felt like this book encouraged me to strengthen and protect the rich relationships God has blessed me with and also reach out to other friends in intentional and meaningful ways.
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I love how Julie talked about being a present friend. I was also very challenged by this. Listening is something that I could definitely improve on in my relationships. What about you? Are you a present friend?
Would you like to win a copy of Friendship for Grown-ups? Don’t forget to leave a comment on Monday’s post to enter the giveaway.
This month I am trying to focus on the many, many things I have to be thankful for. So many of those things I often take for granted. Like friendships for instance. I know that friendships can be complicated at times. Friendships often change as we get older, don’t they? All of a sudden we are not in college anymore with the freedom to hang out anytime we want to and talk for hours. Instead we are trying to balance our friendships with working a full time job, or with being a wife, or with being a mom, or with all of the above and the busy schedules that go along with each of those roles.
God has blessed me with some amazing friends! Over the past two years I have developed some awesome “blog friendships” through this blog. But, I am talking about “real life” friends. My real life friends are great. They have walked with me through some really tough stuff. They support me, encourage me, love me for who I am, challenge me, pray for me, cry with me, make me laugh…I could go on and on.
I am not sure if I have ever read a book focusing totally on friendship. So, I was excited when I was asked to read and review Friendship for Grown-ups by Lisa Welchel.
I have to be honest with you. When I first started reading this book I was a little overwhelmed with the drama that Lisa experienced in her own friendships. Like I told you before, I have been blessed with great friends and I couldn’t relate to some of the things she was talking about. But, if you are like me and have grown up with strong friendships, this book offers great reminders of ways we can protect friendships and keep them healthy. If you are someone who struggles with finding deep, meaningful friendships, this book might give you some ideas on where to start.
I am not going to take much time to tell you my thoughts on this book. Instead, I thought it would be fun to invite some of my friends to read and review this book along with me. Throughout this week I am going to introduce you to six of my “real life” friends. Some of these women I have known for years…we go way back. Some of these women are new friends that I am just getting to know. These six amazing women are going to tell you some of their thoughts on friendship. I can’t wait for you to meet them!
In the mean time, would you like to win a book? Thomas Nelson Publishers has sent me five extra copies to give away to you…my blog friends!
Giveaway Details:
Friendship for Grown-ups by Lisa Whelchel
FIVE winners chosen at random
One entry per person
Giveaway ends Sunday, November 14 at 10pm (CST)
To enter leave a comment in today’s post
(bonus: tell me what you appreciate most about your friends)
I had lots of things to do today on my “to do” list,
but they are going to have to wait.
The flu has invaded our house.
Yuck!
Instead of working on projects,
I will be spending more time than I would like to on the couch.
I am just hoping Levi doesn’t catch it too.
I hate being sick.
Since there are no projects going on here today,
I thought I would show you one I finished a few weeks ago.
Remember all those burlap circles I cut out?
She has a great tutorial if you want to make one of your own.
You could easily make this into a Christmas wreath too.
I actually made one to give to my sister for a house warming present.
I loved it so much that I had to make one for myself too.
I think one reason I love it is because all the colorful circles remind
me of the circle embellishments on our Cora dresses.
So fun!
This project was definitely time consuming and made a mess.
Burlap everywhere.
And raw fingers from cutting out SO many circles.
But I think the end product was definitely worth it.
So colorful and fun!
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Speaking of Cora dresses…
Are you wondering if we are ever going to make any more??
Grammy and I have been planning on restocking the shop all along,
but the busyness of life has gotten in the way.
There have been other things going on
that have been more of a priority right now.
Which means Cora’s is on hold. We would love to keep it going and keep making dresses,
but we are just not sure what that looks like for us right now.
We do have some dresses in progress and lots of fabric waiting
to be made into dresses.
So…
there will be more Cora dresses,
I just can’t tell you for sure when they will be ready to post.
Definitely not until after the holidays though.
Thank you so much to those of you who have inquired about buying a dress.
That makes us so happy!
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Julie - Jess, I love how you described Laura. There have been many times when I have watched Laura connect with people instantly and make them feel comfortable and loved.
Laura, I love you! And, I enjoyed reading your perspective on this book. The quotes you shared are ones I appreciated reading and thinking about again.
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The Schilling's from Cimarron - Jess,
I am soooo blessed to have met Laura at the hospital and have kept in touch with her also. You are exactly right about her making you feel like she has known you forever! I am once again reminded of God’s goodness and blessing’s! Even in the sadness of Cora passing he brought you two into my life! You both are so wonderful and have taught me so much about life, friendship and the Lord! THANK YOU BOTH! even from a distance you both are very close to my heart!
Love ya!
AMIE
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