Three years ago tonight I was getting my tired, pregnant self ready for bed, totally unaware that in just a few hours my life would forever change. A few hours later, after falling asleep, I awoke to my water breaking. I hardly even knew what was happening. It was five days before my due date. Everyone had insisted to me that your first baby never comes early. But five days early or not, our first born was ready to make an appearance. I think I was pretty much in shock as we drove to the hospital very early that morning. Could it really be that easy? My water breaks and then we have a baby? I remember talking to Joel on the way to the hospital about the names we had chosen. I still wasn’t sure about the boy name. I’m sure Joel thought that I was a crazy lady as I once again started to debate about boys names in the middle of the night, on our way to the hospital, as my contractions were starting. I didn’t have to debate with him about the girl name. I loved the name Cora Paige. I was feeling all of the conflicting emotions of a first time mama–excited, scared, nervous, and overjoyed that maybe my swollen feet would return to their normal size in the near future. Of course meeting Miss Cora Paige wasn’t that easy…you know, like my water broke and boom we had a baby. There was a lot of pushing involved. I mean a lot.
March fifth is a day that I will never forget. A day that came as a total surprise. A day full of anticipation as I waited to hold my first born. A day when I found out that I had a daughter…a little girl. A day when I felt like my heart couldn’t be any fuller…ever. It was an amazing day. A day that forever changed my life. March fifth is the day I became a mama.
Tomorrow we once again face Cora’s birthday. This will be the third birthday that we have celebrated without our sweet girl. My baby girl would have been three. Three…how is that possible? Oh how my heart longs to know Cora as a three year old. The past few days as the sadness has been creeping in on me again I have wondered how different my life would look right now if we were preparing to celebrate my little girl turning three. I wish I knew what Cora would have been like as a three year old. What would she sound like as a jabbering toddler? What would her favorite color be? Would she have been a girly-girl or a farm girl helping her daddy? What kind of birthday party would she have begged for? What presents would we be wrapping up for her? What would I be saying to my little girl as I greeted her on the morning of her birthday?
Instead of a fun birthday party with all of our friends and family we are wondering once again how to mingle the celebration of the day our daughter was born with the deep grief that our hearts are filled with. Instead of filling our house with balloons and presents and cupcakes we are planning when to take flowers to our sweet little girl’s grave. It all seems so wrong. So wrong in every way. And if I let myself dwell on what tomorrow will look like in “reality” instead of what my heart longs for it to look like, I so easily can slip into despair.
So tomorrow, on March fifth, I know that I need to choose to remember that I am one blessed mama rather than dwell in my sadness. On March fifth my life was forever changed. When I saw Cora Paige and realized that the Lord had chosen me to be her mama, I felt like my heart was going to explode. It was love at first sight. An instant bond between mama and daughter. And then to see Joel fall head-over-heals in love with his little girl…no words can describe what that was like. And I wouldn’t change anything about that day.
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
Psalm 139:13-16
Just like all of the other days that the Lord ordained for our sweet Cora, March fifth wasn’t a surprise to Him. On March fifth He already knew that the fearfully and wonderfully made little girl that I was holding in my arms wouldn’t live to see her third birthday, or even her first. He had created sweet Cora to fulfill a big mission in the short eleven months that she would live on earth. The Lord knew that the days written in His book for Cora would look so different from the days we would have chosen for our daughter. And yet he chose us to be Cora’s parents. He chose us to be part of His plan for her life. He chose me to be Cora’s mama.
Tomorrow, on Cora’s birthday, I want to remember the blessing that March fifth marks in my life. I want to remember the incredible privilege it is to be Cora’s mama. I want to praise the Lord for the day my daughter was born. His works are so wonderful, I know that full well! Of course along with my praises there will be many tears because the reality is that I miss Cora more than words could even describe. But I think that is okay. He understands. And just like March 5th, 2008 wasn’t a surprise to my Lord, March 5th, 2011 won’t be either. Happy birthday to my sweet Cora Paige.
Ali - Happy Birthday sweet Cora.
[Reply]
A - I have been praying for your family the last few days
[Reply]
Brandi - What sweet pics. Praying for you!!!
[Reply]
Chris - Happy Birthday sweet Angel Cora <3
[Reply]
purejoy - what a sweet birthday tribute and tradition. she will never, ever be forgotten. not ever.
{{hugs from tn}}
[Reply]
Tina Coleman - Continuing to pray for you guys as you continue to adjust. May God continue to hold you all in the palm of his hands and may He bless you all in a very special way!
Much love
[Reply]
Jennifer - You all are continually in our prayers. In just a couple weeks, we plan on releasing seven balloons in honor of our son. Hard days, yet thankful God did not leave us alone. Much love to ya’ll!
[Reply]
Immeasurably More Mama - Such a sweet way to honor Cora’s birthday. The example of grieving with hope you and Joel demonstrate for Levi will have a tremendous impact on his life.
[Reply]
Tara - what a sweet way to remember your cora.
[Reply]
hoosier68 - Still think of you so often and routinely read your posts. Sending prayers your way.
[Reply]
kristin - Happy Birthday in Heaven, sweet Cora! Love that you called her “sissy”. My little one calls her older sis “sissy”…so sweet. Many prayers to you all.
[Reply]
morgan823 - Happy Birthday to your sweet baby girl! I’m praying for yall! I can’t even imagine how yall must feel but people love you and pray for you all the time!
[Reply]
Cristin - Those pictures just melted my heart. Happy Birthday Sweet Cora!
[Reply]
Anonymous - Precious.
Much love – Carrie M.
[Reply]
Stef - sweet post. I’m glad the day was full of family time and love. I think God rejoices when He sees us sorrow in what we’ve lost, but rejoice in what we know was His will and His design. You guys are a living testimony of what it is to trust and press on and place your hope IN Jesus. Cora’s legacy will live on with parents like you, for sure.
[Reply]
Scribe - Happy Birthday Sweet Cora… and happy days to you and yours Mac Fam!
[Reply]
Jenny - Happy Birthday to such a sweet little girl! Such a great way for you guys to celebrate all things Levi is able to do. Always in our prayers!
[Reply]
Rich and Carolyn Dewey - To such a sweet family – you are in my prayers! I just know that by teaching little Levi to remember Cora at such a young age will create a tender heart within him. You are loved!
[Reply]
Jill - Such a sweet way to remember and celebrate her life. What a sweet picture sequence… 🙂
[Reply]
Sarah - what a sweet tradition.
[Reply]
Elizabeth - What a lovely way to say hello to his big sister. Prayers for you and yours!
[Reply]
Andrea - So beautiful
[Reply]
The Mershawn's - I love that she gets pink balloons every birthday. And that Levi will always know his big sister through his mom & dad. What a sweet way to love on a blessed little girl.
[Reply]
jennifer rogers - Happy Birthday Cora Paige
[Reply]
Christa - Happy Birthday Sweet Cora. Praying for you and your family.
[Reply]
Heather - Praying for you tonight…so hard.
Love Heather
[Reply]
Bridget - Happy Birthday to your sweet baby girl!
[Reply]
Amanda @ DAES of Our Lives - I love to see the photo of you and Levi smiling – such a testimony to the grace of God! Happy Birthday Cora.
[Reply]
Linda S - Happy Birthday, Cora! You’ve profoundly touched so very many lives!
[Reply]
The Koehns - Happy birthday angel! You are so very loved… 🙂
[Reply]
The Morris Family - happy birthday sweet little girl!!! so precious!
I hope you have met our little Joel. while on this earth you and him had much in common, u have parents that love you both and miss you sooo much, and your siblings would love to be playing with you now, and you both were so brave to battle the same cancer, and now in your heavenly home, your in the Presence of our great Jesus whom we are trusting in His great plan for you both!!
Happy beautiful birthday in Jesus’ kingdom!!
Cindy, Joel’s mommy
[Reply]
Christina - A wonderful way to remember a precious girl.
[Reply]
lindasjournal - Just lovely!
[Reply]
Al's World - What a precious time. Been praying for you as you remember your sweet angel on her special day. Thank you so much for pouring your heart out, for exemplifying Christ’s power in mighty, mighty ways.
[Reply]
meg duerksen - those are sweet pictures jess.
it’s a beautiful tradition that i wish you didn’t have to have.
[Reply]
Karina - Meg took the words right out of my mouth…if only you didn’t have to do this, but what a beautiful way to mark the day. Thinking of you…
[Reply]
rob - There is SO MUCH grace in you! God is at work in you and using you to encourage so many! Be blessed and comforted and filled with joy today!
[Reply]
Emily - love that you are celebrating her special day as a family, levi will always get to be part of those tough times with you to help you find your will to smile 🙂
[Reply]